I have been thinking of this story.
It goes round and round my head but never came to a stop.
I started (tried) writing it 4 years ago, I wrote, I stopped, I was blocked, I started again, I revised, I rehashed, but nothing, nothing, happened. The story is still in my head, waiting.
A few days ago it was Arashi's 12th Anniversary. I was really happy.
Arashi was a drug for me. An ecstasy. An upper when I was down. There were times I'd forget I have class because I was too busy downloading, too busy watching, too busy reading translated magazine interviews, too busy talking to my fellow fangirls. I would sometimes neglect schoolwork because in my mind my happiness comes first, therefore Arashi comes first.
This story that has been stuck in my head for some years now started as a humor fic starring Ohno Satoshi. A year after I revised it to be a more serious story, still using Ohno for the lead role, another year after, I revised it again, I had all five of them for the main cast.
I started it as a silly, humor fic, then after thinking about it (I had the entire year to do that) I made it as a humor/action story, another year of thinking I said to myself, 'let's cut the humor part' so it became an action thriller story. 4 years of writing and editing and still I have nothing.
5 years ago, I was on my 2nd year in college. Things, I thought, were going pretty well. I got through my first year (ish). Well, I had been going through a lot of troubles, I wasn't perfoming as well as I expected but hey I have Arashi so everything's going to be fine. Only it wasn't fine, I wasn't fine. I was getting more and more depressed at school. The environment is so competetive, so unhealthy. So what did I do?
I got out. I transferred schools.
I was doing so well at first in my new school, I thought I 'd do well until the end but I still..I didn't.
Arashi was there all the time, cheering me up. Goading me to perform better because I can, I just didn't want to.
I see other people dropping out of school, leaving it like it doesn't matter so I told myself never to be like them. I can do it.
But do it I did not.
Most of the time I found myself running away. Making up excuses. Justifying my wrongs.
But Arashi was still there.
This year I celebrated my 21st orbit around the Sun.
I guess I'm little bit better than I was before, 21 is still young so I can't really say I'm mature. Maybe I make decisions better, I choose more wisely. No, not mature. I'm still a kid in so many ways.
Today, I celebrate my gratitude to the five men whose voices, crackpot silliness, and their being so down to earth, helped me get through some tough times. I thank them for all the inspiration that I have drawn from them. For all the inspiration they have unselfishly poured to every life they have touched. I am so very grateful. And I will be grateful still until the end.
Right now, the story that created a web around my head will be finished. The fanfiction that was 4 years in the making.
This will be my last tribute to Arashi.
After I post the story, I will be leaving the illusion behind, I will be moving on to face the greater challenges life has stored for me.
Arashi, the music and inspiration will remain for life.
Thank you.
